5 You“ll Be Okay
It was a simple and funny first meeting. Not dramatic like what he would tell in the future.
Negative days were when he trashed his room to ruins.
Screaming hoarse at his bodyguards.
Fainting from exhaustion majority of the time.
Positive days were the times he didn't throw me out of his room.
At times he quietly lay on his bed looking outside the window, I'm guessing with long experience, his body weak and sluggish.
It was an uncomfortable feeling. One that lingers, like someone is on top of you, you want to shake it off, but you have no energy, he's off limits with stimulants, so he can only endure.
One afternoon, the sky was so clear and blue, there were sparse clouds and the meadow that I love was so clear and dazzling in brightness. The greens on the garden looked as if it was vibrating, breathing with life.
I was sitting next to his bed, as my usual past time these days.
As I look at my meadow, a life so bountiful, I've often wished as a child to become part of it.
Staring at them from long hours until the pain throbbing inside my small body subsided.
I remembered a song my father sang to me before.
An Aria. It doesn't have any lyrics but it touched me deeply. It woke me up from my misery after I lost my hands.
So I sang.
Looking at the meadow, I sang an Aira for such a strong life. Despite all the storms that came and went. It stood, there, countless leaves and flowers blooming and wilting as natural as the air we breathe.
I sang hope.
Without any lyrics, but with simple heartfelt notes.
I imagine myself being accompanied by my father's violin and my mom's keyboard. Like the concerts I watched on television.
I imagine a life where I could be free, wild in my ambition, and for once in my imagination, normal.
I never dared let go in the presence of my family.
I still remember my Mom's words as it echoes inside me, "Honey, never think they pity you. They admire you." For surviving. Was the words left unsaid, which later had been branded to me.
I will survive.
For as long as I can hold on.
Even as little as a second of my breath, is as precious as gold for my parents.
And their love, despite filling me, is heavy.
A heavy vow I willingly carried.
By giving me all of their affection, filled with love and acceptance of how I am. It's just as much as I'm willing to give back to them.
I wanted other people who are like me to be filled with so much affection that they never question their existence. So I accompany them and talk to them. Sharing all that I can till I have nothing left to give.
As natural as the air we breathe.
We yearn for life.
Just like my Meadow.
I found him looking at me quietly, his eyes shining with tears.
Unsaid words of pain and desperation.
He knew his situation. He's getting worse. He wants to live.
Just like everyone living here.
Yet still counting for that one last bell.
"You'll be okay," I whispered to him. A promise, not an assurance.
"How can you be sure?" he asked.
"Just because." I exist.